Boat Dream 25.04.21
Our ship ran aground on a little island in the Caribbean. Our boat was an old wooden pirate ship but somehow it worked underwater too, like a submarine. My family and I had been sailing the seas looking for a new place to call home. My dad (who was Shrek) looked overboard scanning his eyes along the beach before declaring it safe. My siblings and I hopped off the boat and met some local monkeys who taught us how to surf using snow sledges. While we were busy playing in the waves Shrek had picked up on a distant noise approaching through the valley. It echoes through the trees getting clearer and clearer until suddenly it hit him. He knew this sound. It was the intro to ‘Enter Sandman’ by Metallica. “SHIT SHIT SHIT” Shrek squealed as he started pulling up the anchor and gesturing to us to come over. “WE”RE LEAVING NOOOOW” He said as the crew took their positions and pushed off the island. The ship began to sink into the sea and just before we were submerged Shrek threw his guitar off the boat and onto the beach.
The ship (that doubled up as a submarine) set sail for underwater-London (kind of Atlantis vibes) and once we had settled into the journey I asked Shrek why we had left the island in such a hurry? Shrek replied saying “A great evil lives on that Island”. He proceeded to tell me a story about his teenage years: When Shrek was in College he was in an Ogre frat house with a bunch of American ogres. They had formed a punk band where Shrek was the singer and one of the other ogres played guitar. The guitarist ogre was the best guitar player in all the land and all of the other ogres were jealous of him. Shrek in-particular. One night when the guitarist ogre was sleeping Shrek crept into his room and stole his favourite guitar from his rack. The guitarist Ogre woke up the next day beside himself. Who was he with out his favourite guitar? And so he vowed that day that he would spend the rest of his life searching for whoever it was that stole his guitar and kill them. Shrek moved away soon after that with the stolen guitar and the other ogre never suspected a good friend like Shrek could ever be the culprit.
When Shrek had finished telling me the story he explained that that guitarist ogre had gone on to form the band Metallica and when we heard the song on the island Shrek had realised that the ogre must live there. So when leaving Shrek through his guitar onto the beach to return it to it’s rightful owner after all these years.
We arrived back in London sailing straight into a boat traffic jam. We were below deck sitting chatting when we heard the sound of underwater motorbikes and heavy metal approaching. Shrek looked out a port hole and saw the evil ogre in a convoy with the rest of Metallica. “Fuck” Shrek gasped. “They must have followed our scent. Shrek ran to the steering wheel and we sailed towards big ben with the evil ogre and his metal head convoy chasing us. They chased us round and round big ben for hours until eventually Shrek gave up running and turned around to face the inevitable.
The evil ogre boarded the ship and walked over to Shrek holding his guitar. “Shrek? It was you this whole time?” The evil Ogre asked. “Yes. It was me who stole your guitar. I was so jealous of you I thought that maybe if I stole your guitar and learnt to play I would sound like you. Shrek said. The Evil Ogre clenched his fists. “you know I’m gonna have to kill you now?” He said.
Shrek shrugged. He looked around. Me, the family and crew were all gathered around. He took a deep breath, looked at the evil Ogre and said “Fine. You can kill me. But first I’m gonna give you a nipple cripple for old times sake.” And he grabbed the evil Ogre’s nipple and twisted them as hard as he could. The Evil ogre had a flash back to all the times they nipple-crippled each other in college and it brought back such great memories. “Ah what the heck. Who cares about the guitar? Lets just be friends” The Evil Ogre said. And we all cheered and the rest of Metallica played ‘Enter Sandman’ while Shrek and the evil Ogre hugged.